||[Oct. 8th, 2008|10:11 am]
I am trying as hard as I can not to explode right now. I am also trying extremely hard not to just air my problems with a friend on the internets without talking to her about it first, because I just don't think that's the best way to go about things.
I actually had a pretty good birthday. Spent it with Nanook playing Rock Band 2. Then he bought me a game. Oh, and gave me a cold... the bastard.
We also haven't been gaming recently due to everyone's work schedules conflicting in some way.
Now on to the more important stuff:
I've been contemplating the idea of correspondence to finish the two or three English credits I need to graduate high school. I've even filled out the form needed to apply for one of the English courses except for the payment information (and the check box asking me whether I want the people offering correspondence to issue the diploma or whether I would prefer my old high school to do so. I don't think it matters either way). Unfortunately, the aforementioned friend was the one who said she'd pay for it (Presumably, I would have to pay her back at some point) and right now, I don't think she's speaking to me.
I've also been lackadaisically attempting to find a job. Granted, there aren't many places in Dundas that are hiring and even fewer that would hire someone who doesn't have a high school education. If you add the fact that I'm incredibly shy in to the mix, you can see where I run into problems.
I've been attempting to work on the shyness. I don't just curl up into a mental foetal position whenever someone I don't know talks to me anymore, which is a good start, but I wouldn't have been able to get as far as I have without the support of the aforementioned friend. Perhaps I do rely to much on her support, but it works. Since she stopped speaking to me, however, I've simply lapsed further into the apathy that prevails in my temperament.
I hate that about myself. I honestly want to fucking change. But for whatever reason, I don't seem able to do so without her help. Despite whatever illusions I may project to the contrary, I honestly hate the way my life is right now. I don't mind that I don't really have that many friends. I'd honestly prefer to just have a few close friends than a lot of people I'd have to manage my time around. On the personality front, however, I know I could do a hell of a lot better. I know the aforementioned friend is willing to help me, but all that ends up happening is she tends to get frustrated at my slow (so slow it seems as though nothing is changing at all) progress and gives up. I'm not blaming her for doing so, though. Anyone would get frustrated with how long it takes me to change. I'm fucking frustrated with how long it takes me to change.
I want to change. I want to get a job. I want to graduate high school. Right now, I don't care whether or not I get in a relationship anytime in the near future, but it might be nice sometime down the road once I've got a job. I honestly don't want to be in any kind of relationship where I have to rely entirely on someone else's finances, whether it be a girlfriend relationship, or just a friendship. But right now, I need that in order to help me get on my own damn feet.
I need to take charge of my life, but I'm too much of a fucking coward to do it alone.
On a completely unrelated side note, I love how when I simply type "Hamilton" as the location, the little pop-up map shows me as being in Scotland. That's awesome.